众所周知，文书是向招生官展示自己的最有力的申请工具，每一个想法和每一句话的思路、用词及处理都是至关重要的。在申请留学的过程中，文书是十分重要的申请材料之一，一份好的文书能够让学生在众多的申请者之中脱颖而出。


案例解析




原文参议

Paragraph 1

I had never broken into a car before.

TransLation

我以前从未闯入过汽车


Paragraph 2

We were in Laredo, having just finished our first day at a Habitat for Humanity work site. The Hotchkiss volunteers had already left, off to enjoy some Texas BBQ, leaving me behind with the college kids to clean up. Not until we were stranded did we realize we were locked out of the van.

TransLation

我们在拉雷多，刚刚结束了在仁人家园(Habitat for Humanity)工作地点的第一天。霍奇基斯的志愿者们已经离开了，去享受得克萨斯的烧烤，留下我和大学生们去收拾。直到我们被困住了，我们才意识到我们被锁在了货车外面。

Paragraph 3
Someone picked a coat hanger out of the dumpster, handed it to me, and took a few steps back.
TransLation
有人从垃圾桶里拿出一个衣架，递给我，然后后退了几步。

Paragraph 4
“Can you do that thing with a coat hanger to unlock it?”
“Why me?” I thought.
TransLation
“你能用衣架把它打开吗?”
“为什么是我?“ 我想。

Paragraph 5
More out of amusement than optimism, I gave it a try. I slid the hanger into the window’s seal like I’d seen on crime shows, and spent a few minutes jiggling the apparatus around the inside of the frame. Suddenly, two things simultaneously clicked. One was the lock on the door. (I actually succeeded in springing it.) The other was the realization that I’d been in this type of situation before. In fact, I’d been born into this type of situation.
TransLation
与其说是出于乐观，不如说是出于娱乐，我试了一下。我像在犯罪节目中看到的那样，将衣架滑入窗户的密封处，然后花了几分钟的时间在窗框里晃来晃去。突然，两件事同时发生了。一个是门上的锁。(实际上，我成功地把它弹出来了。)另一个是我意识到我以前也遇到过这种情况。事实上，我生来就处于这种情况。

Paragraph 6
My upbringing has numbed me to unpredictability and chaos. With a family of seven, my home was loud, messy, and spottily supervised. My siblings arguing, the dog barking, the phone ringing—all meant my house was functioning normally. My Dad, a retired Navy pilot, was away half the time. When he was home, he had a parenting style something like a drill sergeant. At the age of nine, I learned how to clear burning oil from the surface of water. My Dad considered this a critical life skill—you know, in case my aircraft carrier should ever get torpedoed. “The water’s on fire! Clear a hole!” he shouted, tossing me in the lake without warning. While I’m still unconvinced about that particular lesson’s practicality, my Dad’s overarching message is unequivocally true: much of life is unexpected, and you have to deal with the twists and turns.
TransLation
我的成长经历使我对不可预测性和混乱麻木了。我家有一个七口之家，我的家又吵又乱，监管也不严。我的兄弟姐妹们在争吵，狗在吠叫，电话在响——这一切都意味着我的房子运转正常。我的父亲是一名退休的海军飞行员，他有一半时间都不在家。当他在家的时候，他有一种类似教官的教养方式。九岁时，我学会了如何清除水面上燃烧的油。我爸爸认为这是一项重要的生活技能——你知道，以防我的航空母舰被鱼雷击沉。“水着火了!”清出一块区域来!他喊道，毫无预兆地把我扔进了湖里。虽然我仍然不相信这一课的实用性，但我父亲的首要信息是绝对正确的：生活中有很多事情是出乎意料的，你必须应对变化。

Paragraph 7
Living in my family, days rarely unfolded as planned. A bit overlooked, a little pushed around, I learned to roll with reality, negotiate a quick deal, and give the improbable a try. I don’t sweat the small stuff, and I definitely don’t expect perfect fairness. So what if our dining room table only has six chairs for seven people? Someone learns the importance of punctuality every night.
TransLation
生活在我的家庭里，日子很少像计划的那样展开。有一点被忽视，有一点被摆布，我学会了适应现实，谈成一笔迅速的交易，尝试不可能的事情。我不会为小事而烦恼，也绝对不会期待完美的公平。那么，如果我们的餐桌上只给7个人6把椅子呢？每晚都有人都知道守时的重要性。

Paragraph 8
But more than punctuality and a special affinity for musical chairs, my family life has taught me to thrive in situations over which I have no power. Growing up, I never controlled my older siblings, but I learned how to thwart their attempts to control me. I forged alliances, and realigned them as necessary. Sometimes, I was the poor, defenseless little brother; sometimes I was the omniscient elder. Different things to different people, as the situation demanded. I learned to adapt.
TransLation
但除了守时和对抢椅子的特殊爱好外，我的家庭生活还教会了我如何在我没有权力的情况下茁壮成长。从小到大，我从未控制过我的哥哥姐姐们，但我学会了如何阻止他们控制我的企图。我建立了联盟，并在必要时重新调整他们。有时，我是那个可怜的、毫无防备的小弟弟；有时我是无所不知的长者。根据情况需要，对不同的人有不同的要求。我学会了适应。

Paragraph 9
Back then, these techniques were merely reactions undertaken to ensure my survival. But one day this fall, Dr. Hicks, our Head of School, asked me a question that he hoped all seniors would reflect on throughout the year: “How can I participate in a thing I do not govern, in the company of people I did not choose?”
TransLation
当时，这些技巧只是为了确保我的生存而采取的反应。但今年秋天的某一天，我们学校的校长希克斯博士(Dr. Hicks)问了我一个问题，他希望所有高年级的学生整年都能思考这个问题:“在我没有选择的人的陪伴下，我怎么能参与我没有管理的事情?”

Paragraph 10
The question caught me off guard, much like the question posed to me in Laredo. Then, I realized I knew the answer. I knew why the coat hanger had been handed to me.
TransLation
这个问题让我措手不及，就像在拉雷多遇到的问题一样。然后，我意识到我知道答案。我知道为什么要把衣架交给我。

Paragraph 11
Growing up as the middle child in my family, I was a vital participant in a thing I did not govern, in the company of people I did not choose. It’s family. It’s society. And often, it’s chaos. You participate by letting go of the small stuff, not expecting order and perfection, and facing the unexpected with confidence, optimism, and preparedness. My family experience taught me to face a serendipitous world with confidence.
TransLation
作为家中排行老二的我，在我没有管理过的事情上，在我没有选择的人的陪伴下，我是一个重要的参与者。这是家人，是社会。通常是一片混乱。你参与其中，放下小事情，不期待秩序和完美，并以信心、乐观和准备面对意想不到的事情。我的家庭经历教会我自信地面对这个充满意外的世界。

招生官点评


What Makes This Essay Tick?

是什么让这篇文章有意义?

把写作拆开来看它是如何实现目标是很有帮助的。斯蒂芬的文章很有效果。让我们找出原因吧!


An Opening Line That Draws You In

吸引你的开场白

I had never broken into a car before.

我以前从未闯入过汽车。


仅仅八个字，我们就能得到：场景设置(他站在一辆即将闯入的汽车旁)，跨越边界的想法(他可能是第一次做非法的事情)，以及扣人心弦的情节(我们在想：他会被抓住吗？)他会走上犯罪的道路吗？他会被吓到吗？)。


Great, Detailed Opening Story

精彩，详细的开场故事


We were in Laredo, having just finished our first day at a Habitat for Humanity work site. The Hotchkiss volunteers had already left, off to enjoy some Texas BBQ, leaving me behind with the college kids to clean up. Not until we were stranded did we realize we were locked out of the van.

我们在拉雷多，刚刚结束了在仁人家园(Habitat for Humanity)工作地点的第一天。霍奇基斯的志愿者们已经离开了，去享受得克萨斯的烧烤，留下我和大学生们去收拾。直到我们被困住了，我们才意识到我们被锁在了货车外面。


Someone picked a coat hanger out of the dumpster, handed it to me, and took a few steps back.

有人从垃圾桶里拿出一个衣架，递给我，然后退了几步。


"Can you do that thing with a coat hanger to unlock it?"

"Why me?" I thought.

More out of amusement than optimism, I gave it a try. I slid the hanger into the window's seal like I'd seen on crime shows, and spent a few minutes jiggling the apparatus around the inside of the frame.

“你能用衣架把它打开吗?”

“为什么是我？”我想。

与其说是出于乐观，不如说是出于娱乐，我试了一下。我像在犯罪节目中看到的那样，将衣架滑入窗户的密封处，然后花了几分钟的时间在窗框里晃来晃去。



正是这些细节让这个小小的体验变得生动起来。注意Stephen是如何尽可能地使用一个更具体、更有描述性的词来代替一个更通用的词的。志愿者不会得到食物或晚餐；他们要去"德州烧烤"。"衣架来自于“一个垃圾箱”。斯蒂芬不仅仅是移动了衣架，他还“摇动”了它。


细节也帮助我们想象场景中人们的情绪。递给斯蒂芬衣架的人不仅仅是不舒服或紧张；他“后退了几步”——这是一种表达情感的动作。最后，实际讲话的细节使场景变得生动。斯蒂芬并没有写另一个人让他打开货车的锁，而是让那个人以一种听起来像青少年说话的方式说出自己的话。



Turning a Specific Incident Into a Deeper Insight

把一个特定的事件变成更深刻的见解


Suddenly, two things simultaneously clicked. One was the lock on the door. (I actually succeeded in springing it.) The other was the realization that I'd been in this type of situation before. In fact, I'd been born into this type of situation.

突然，两件事同时发生了。一个是门上的锁。(实际上，我成功地把它弹出来了。)另一个是我意识到我以前也遇到过这种情况。事实上，我生来就处于这种情况。


斯蒂芬把上锁的车的经历变成了一个有意义的例子，说明了他是如何学会足智多谋并为任何事情做好准备的，他还通过对“click”这个词的两种含义进行优雅的处理，使这一转变从具体变为宽泛。


Using Concrete Examples When Making Abstract Claims

提出抽象主张时使用具体的例子


My upbringing has numbed me to unpredictability and chaos. With a family of seven, my home was loud, messy, and spottily supervised. My siblings arguing, the dog barking, the phone ringing—all meant my house was functioning normally.

我的成长经历使我对不可预测性和混乱麻木了。我家有一个七口之家，我的家又吵又乱，监管也不严。我的兄弟姐妹们在争吵，狗在吠叫，电话在响——这一切都意味着我的房子运转正常。


“不可预测性和混乱”是非常抽象的，不容易被可视化的概念。它们也可能意味着许多事情——暴力、遗弃、贫困、精神不稳定。紧接着，斯蒂芬又创作了《七口之家》(family of seven)和《兄弟姐妹吵架、狗叫、电话响》(，the dog汪汪，the phone ringing)等高度有限、毫不含糊的插画，把抽象的概念化为易于描绘的东西：一个吵闹的大家庭。


Using Small Bits of Humor and Casual Word Choice

使用小幽默和随意的用词


My Dad, a retired Navy pilot, was away half the time. When he was home, he had a parenting style something like a drill sergeant. At the age of nine, I learned how to clear burning oil from the surface of water. My Dad considered this a critical life skill—you know, in case my aircraft carrier should ever get torpedoed.

我的父亲是一名退休的海军飞行员，他有一半时间都不在家。当他在家的时候，他有一种类似教官的教养方式。九岁时，我学会了如何清除水面上燃烧的石油。我爸爸认为这是一项重要的生活技能——你知道，以防我的航空母舰被鱼雷击沉。


显然，了解清洁汽油的方法并不是每个9岁孩子都需要知道的事情。为了强调这一点，斯蒂芬用讽刺的口吻提出了一个明显有些夸张的情况：“以防我的航空母舰被鱼雷击中了。


幽默也让人放松。部分原因是他在介绍时使用了口语化的短语“you know”，所以听起来像是他在和我们面对面交谈。这种方法也分散了读者对他父亲的严厉的潜在不安——因为他是在拿父亲的严厉开玩笑，显然他是对的。但是，请注意，这种情况在文章中并不多见。这有助于保持语气有意义和严肃，而不是轻率。


An Ending That Stretches the Insight Into the Future

一个延伸未来洞察力的结局


But one day this fall, Dr. Hicks, our Head of School, asked me a question that he hoped all seniors would reflect on throughout the year: "How can I participate in a thing I do not govern, in the company of people I did not choose?"

但今年秋天的某一天，我们学校的校长希克斯博士(Dr. Hicks)问了我一个问题，他希望所有高年级的学生整年都能思考这个问题：“在我没有选择的人的陪伴下，我怎么能参与我没有管理的事情?”


The question caught me off guard, much like the question posed to me in Laredo. Then, I realized I knew the answer. I knew why the coat hanger had been handed to me.


这个问题让我措手不及，就像在拉雷多遇到的问题一样。然后，我意识到我知道答案。我知道为什么要把衣架交给我。


Growing up as the middle child in my family, I was a vital participant in a thing I did not govern, in the company of people I did not choose. It's family. It's society. And often, it's chaos. You participate by letting go of the small stuff, not expecting order and perfection, and facing the unexpected with confidence, optimism, and preparedness. My family experience taught me to face a serendipitous world with confidence.

作为家中排行老二的我，在我没有管理过的事情上，在我没有选择的人的陪伴下，我是一个重要的参与者。这是家人，是社会。通常是一片混乱。你参与其中，放下小事情，不期待秩序和完美，并以信心、乐观和准备面对意想不到的事情。我的家庭经历教会我自信地面对这个充满意外的世界。


文章的结尾表明，斯蒂芬的一生是对未来的漫长准备。他摆脱了混乱和父亲的育儿方式，成为一个能在他无法控制的世界里茁壮成长的人。


过去的经验与现在的成熟和自我认识的联系是所有成功的个人论文中的关键因素。大学非常需要成熟、有自我意识的申请者。这些都是成功的大学生的品质，他们将能够驾驭大学课程所要求的独立性承担大学生活的责任和接近成年的生活。


专家建议


What Could This Essay Do Even Better?

这篇文章还能更好吗?


即使是最好的文章也不是完美的，即使是世界上最伟大的作家也会告诉你，写作永远不会“结束”——只是“适当”而已。如果可以的话，我们会在这篇文章中做些什么调整呢?



换掉一些陈词滥调。斯蒂芬使用“twists and turns”和“don't sweat the small stuff”这样的短语来解释他与混乱和不可预测性的关系。但是过多地使用这些现成的表达可能会模糊你自己的声音，用一些预期的和无聊的东西取而代之。



再举一个近期生活中的例子。斯蒂芬的第一个例子(在拉雷多闯入货车)很好地说明了在意外情况下机智。但他的文章也强调，他通过“对不同的人做不同的事”而“学会了适应”。如果能看到这种情况在他的家庭之外是如何发展的，那就太好了。


符号文书库


留学申请中非常重要的步骤，每一篇文书都像是一张考卷，学生书写文书时，往往不知道从何下手，那么如果有了申请成功案例的文书作为参考，将让书写文书变得更加容易。在这里，Uni君要向大家特别推荐我们MyUniUni符号留学非常“豪横”的功能--文书库。




符号中外专家团根据学生的不同特质量身打造专属的高精尖文书。文书库内含上百个精彩案例，题型全覆盖，并且每一篇都有校方招生官的官方点评。想获取更多文书请登录符号留学官网查看文书库：https://www.myuniuni.com/essay/list


所以，童鞋们~要想自己的被录取几率更大，一篇优秀的文书是非常重要的。正如Uni君至理名言所说：把时间放在你心爱的事情上，把留学规划交给最专业的符号！








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